Silence

Double fibbonacci seemed the right form for this prompt somehow. It makes a prettier poem, too. ^_^

Silence

Silence

 

What
is
that sound
between my
heartbeats? If you just
listen, it sounds like the whole world
pausing for just an instant, as if to say “Let there
be silence.” Every insect, bird, animal, waits; listening, too, between feeding,
hunting, mating. Their hearts beat with mine, the pulse echoes.
We wait for the next heartbeat, listen,
move on. We pause, then
move again.
Life must
go
on.

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4 thoughts on “Silence

    • Yes, I count syllables. I AM a bit of a “purist/perfectionist” whatever. ^_^ Word count won’t make the lovely perfect form the way syllable count does.

  1. I quite enjoyed the rhythm created by the form. Also, the “s” sound; it makes me feel like the poem is hushing me and soothing me.
    My questions:
    For the sake of poem-clarity: Who is the “you?” Could the “you” function differently in the poem? Or, alternatively, could you take it out? How does the “you” affect the poem? Experiment.
    For the sake of my own writerly curiosity: Did you start with the syllable limit or the subject when you set out to write this? What was your creative process?
    -H
    ps. I hope the part where I ask questions that push your poem doesn’t seem intrusive. I’m so used to having to provide both of those things in writing workshops: What is working well? What confuses you/ could be working better?
    Cause only compliments isn’t very useful. And only suggestions isn’t very encouraging of the GOOD parts of the poem, of which there are many.
    If you want to ignore it, though, go ahead. I won’t be hurt or offended. Take it or leave it; up to you.

    • H:

      Interaction is useful AND interesting! I welcome all comments, critiques, and compliments. (More alliteration. Apparently.) LOL

      “One” and “You” are me and the reader. I like a conversational tone; sometimes I use “You,” sometimes “I” or “One” or a combination of all. I don’t believe in many rules, per se, though when I say that, I mean that no word is unspeakable, or is a “Don’t you dare use that word” word, even “thing,” which I generally abhor. I do love forms and rhyme on occasion. I try to take out extraneous words, too, conversational fillers from my poetry, and get to the meat of the meaning. I try to use words that paint a picture so the idea becomes more visual.

      Sometimes when I get the bit in my teeth, all the things I TRY to do fly out the window and words just pour onto the page and I let them stay with few changes.

      Sometimes I fight for every word, revisiting and redrafting and deleting and retyping. But most days words flow.

      I start with the idea and imagine the words I want to begin and end. I did fret about the first word having more letters than the second word, but told myself it was all right and let it go. ^_^ But the important thing is the idea and filling words to make the idea come alive. I wanted a breathless tone that had a rhythm, like a heart beating. Not sure how well that came across, though. One does ones best.

      Thank you for the interesting commentary, and for helping me see the words better.

      Diana

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